Meet and Greet: Firefighters
a stress-eating, “I need some chocolate” firefighter part of an IFS therapist in Rochester, NH
There are dishes in the sink, laundry that needs doing, my kids’ shoes all over the floor. I should be getting their school supplies into their backpacks, and prepping for tomorrow. My to-do list is a mile long, and everywhere I look there’s a mess, or a project, or something I haven’t gotten to yet. Instead of doing any of it, I’m sitting on the couch, zoning out online. Just me?
When I start to feel overwhelmed, I have a part that numbs me out. If I look too long at all the unfinished, imperfect areas of my life, I can start to feel that familiar shame: I am failing at this. It’s much better to not look, distract myself, think about meaningless things for a while.
In IFS language, this is one of my firefighter parts. (I have another firefighter that reaches for chocolate when the kids are stressing me out.)
Have you ever tried to hold a beach ball underwater? It takes a lot of effort to keep it down, and eventually it pops up anyway. From an IFS lens, the beach ball represents your emotional pain, the parts of you that have been exiled from your system. Your manager parts are the ones working really hard to keep the beach ball under control. When, in spite of their efforts, the ball launches out of the water-- that’s when your firefighters come in. Firefighter parts have one job: to put out the fires of emotional pain, no matter the cost. When your manager strategies fail and your pain still gets triggered, firefighter parts step in to get you out of that pain as quickly as possible.
The thing about firefighters is that they are present-focused: get you out of the pain now. They are not concerned with, or maybe even aware of, the negative consequences later. So, firefighter strategies that might be very effective for numbing or distracting from pain can often come at a cost to your wellbeing or your relationships. Substance use, suicidality, self-harm; overeating, overexercising, overworking; distraction, dissociation, and even anger can be firefighter strategies. Firefighter actions can range from soothing to stifling, depending on the intensity of the feelings to which they are reacting.
Firefighters parts are often misunderstood, and disliked both by other parts in your internal system and by others in your life who have felt the impact of their actions. Manager parts (both internal and external) will tell them to “just cut it out” and shame them for their behavior. The goal of some therapy is to get firefighters to stop “acting up.” The truth is, your firefighter parts love you with a passion, and are willing to do just about anything to keep your shame and pain at bay.
Firefighters cannot, and will not, “just stop” protecting you. Sometimes they will change strategies, but they are doing their job when they pull you out of pain, and feel justified to take extreme measures when necessary. However, once they understand that there is another way, they are usually willing to at least “wait and see” if deep therapy really works, and healing is really possible. And, once you have experienced some inner healing and the well of pain inside isn’t so intense, that’s when your firefighters can soften and become less extreme.
If you’re ready to see what’s possible, let me know. As an IFS therapist in Rochester, NH, I won’t shame your firefighters or try to shut them down; instead they’ll be able to soften on their own in response to your inner healing. Don’t believe me? Come and find out for yourself. Book a consult below.
