Meet and Greet: Managers
the “to do list” manager part of an IFS therapist in Rochester, NH
My kids started school this week, and my mom parts are in full gear. I’ve got my calendar and my checklists, and I’m mapping out which activities are on which days, when they start, and who’s driving; I’m tracking school supplies, parent meetings, and whether the school uniforms fit. Did everyone get a haircut? Gym shoes? Let’s prep a bunch of snacks for school lunches.
Through the lens of IFS, the parts of me (and you) that track, plan, and organize are called “manager” parts. They are crucial for helping our day to day lives run smoothly, and in our Western society they are the parts that are praised and rewarded the most. These parts get you to work on time, make your grocery list, and push you to achieve your goals. Often, these parts are blended with us so much of the time it just feels like who we are.
In our inner systems, manager parts are concerned with emotional safety. They are highly aware of the emotional pain you carry, and do everything necessary to prevent you from feeling it. Whatever it was that caused you pain, your managers never want you to get hurt that way ever again. They are proactive, keeping you in control in social situations, making sure you are high-achieving so that no one can ever criticize you or overlook you or look down on you again. They are on alert for any signs of danger, physical or emotional, for you or anyone you love.
Often it is also their job to keep you from being overwhelmed by the pain that’s inside of you; to keep it locked away, the door closed tightly. This can take a tremendous amount of effort, and they often fear that if you open the door even a crack, those emotions will pour out and flood you. Because of this, managers often feel that they can’t rest, even for a moment. They work diligently, around the clock, to protect you from both internal and external pain. They are exhausted.
Do me a favor, would you? Raise your shoulders up to your ears, and keep them there while you read the next paragraph.
The kindest thing we can do for our managers is to work with the parts that hold the pain, and help them release it, so that the managers don’t have to work so hard to contain it. Often managers are skeptical that the pain can be healed, but concede that if it could (and it can), they would want that. Once managers are on board, and the healing does occur, they can relax, and be more free to do what they do best.
Now drop your shoulders. That’s what relief feels like, when you’re no longer holding the pain, and your managers
Your managers parts are usually the ones who bring you into therapy. They are either so exhausted that they’ve hit a breaking point, or they’re fed up with the behaviors of your firefighters (stay tuned to meet and greet firefighter parts next week!). If that sounds familiar, reach out. I’m an IFS therapist in Rochester, NH, and I’d love to help your manager parts find rest.
