Who is the real “You”?
I have so many different voices/feelings/opinions inside; who is the real me?
As and IFS therapist in Rochester, NH, many clients I work with start therapy feeling that they don’t really know who they are. From an IFS perspective, this makes perfect sense. When our systems are activated, parts can take over so completely that it feels like they’ve always been in control. To make matters worse, two or more parts with different ideas and strategies often vie for control of your system, each feeling that they are “you.” This can leave you feeling disconnected from yourself, and confused about who you really are.
Self Energy: the Sun Behind the Clouds
Self-energy is in all of us, and is the true essence of who you are.
In his work, Dick Schwartz found something really interesting. When enough parts were willing to step back and open space, there was invariably a wise, compassionate core, different from parts. He found this with every single person he encountered, no matter how sick. From this experience he conceptualized the idea of “Self” or “Self-energy.”
One of the basic tenets of IFS is that everyone has a core Self. Self has inherent wisdom, and healing capacity. It is your core, authentic essence: the beautiful, innately good human spirit that is within you. It is your heart, your soul, your God-image. You are born with it; but trauma blocks access to it.
As I mentioned in this blog post, many of us glimpse Self-energy during moments of stillness, presence, or deep connection. For some, it comes while walking through the woods, standing barefoot in the grass, or watching the wind move through the trees. Others find it while immersed in creative flow: writing, painting, cooking, or moving their bodies with skill and passion. Still others experience it through spiritual practices like prayer, meditation, or breathwork.
While there are many ways to recognize Self-energy, Dick Schwartz came up with two sets of characteristics that describe it: the 8Cs and 5 Ps. Let’s explore them.
8 Cs of Self-Energy
Not all the qualities of Self start with the letter C, or even P (think love, goodness, gentleness, kindness, wisdom). However, these sets of qualities give us a good starting point to recognize when Self-energy is present. The C’s are:
Curiosity
Genuine interest in why others are behaving or feeling the way they do; a true desire to understand more about how the part learned to do what it does, why it’s so important, and what it is like for them to be in that role.
Calm
When Self energy emerges, there can be a sense of calm: an openness to whatever comes up, without fear of overwhelm. Calm can be felt in the body: there might be a visible sense of calm on one’s face, a relaxing of the shoulders, slower breathing.
Compassion
When you really start to understand the positive intention behind your part’s behavior, and realize how young the part is, it’s easier to have compassion for it; when you truly get how hard it has been for the part of you to carry the role that it does, or to have lived through what it did, it can lead to genuine softness and caring.
Connectedness
The ability to feel deeply connected with each part of you as you get to know it, and the ability to connect deeply with other people.
Creativity
Bringing new ideas and solutions into existence; a willingness to explore what’s possible, and lean into trying something different. Self expression through creative flow that brings a sense of energized focus, full immersion, and enjoyment.
Courage
Self has the courage to do deep exploration, and sit with parts and feelings that we’ve held at bay for so long. Self has this amazing capacity to hold space for emotion, no matter how intense. Self is also willing to own mistakes, speak truth, and stand up to injustice.
Confidence
The confidence that comes from Self is a quiet belief in one’s own dignity and worth, an unpretentious self-assurance, and a steadfast belief in a hopeful outcome.
Clarity
One of the cool things about IFS is that when you are working with parts, Self knows what to do. Self has an innate intuition about what is needed, and clarity about how best to connect with each part.
5 Ps of Self-Energy
The Ps of Self-energy expand the idea of Self to include these core qualities:
Presence
Self is able to be fully grounded in the present moment, with no agenda other than connection. Self is able to be with your internal experience without trying to fix or change it.
Patience
Self has a deep understanding that healing and growth take time, and trust is earned. There is no sense of urgency or trying to rush the process.
Playfulness
A sense of lightness, humor, and ease; a willingness to allow parts to express themselves and interact through all different ways of being.
Persistence
Consistently showing up for yourself and your parts, offering hope, and building trust.
Perspective
An awareness that who you are is more than any one part; keeping a larger view of yourself, and the world. There can be a sense of spaciousness, or expansiveness.
How can you tell if Self is here?
Self-energy is crucial to the healing process.
True, lasting healing happens when a client’s core Self connects compassionately with her parts, witnesses their pain, and helps them release their burdens. A part cannot heal another part. For this reason, as an IFS therapist in Rochester, NH, one of my biggest jobs during healing work is paying attention to whether the client’s Self is in connection with her parts, or whether another part has stepped in. There are five main strategies that I use:
1) One of the most straightforward ways to determine this is to ask how the client feels towards the part. (If you are a client of mine, you know I ask this often!) When I ask this question, I am listening for any of the C or P qualities above, as well as for any other words that could be used to describe a similar feeling (warmth, for instance, or softness). If a client responds that they fear the part, or are annoyed by it, I know without a doubt that another part is present. Other times it’s not so black and white. For example, if a client expresses they’re curious to know what a part is doing there, I might ask whether it feels like a compassionate curiosity or a sense of wanting an explanation. If it’s the former, it’s probably Self, whereas the latter is probably a part.
2) If it’s still unclear, I might ask how the part is responding to the client’s presence, or even what the part sees when it looks at the client. Parts tend to relax in the presence of Self; if a part seems fearful or responds negatively, chances are high that another part is there.
3) Another important thing is that Self is presence and compassion without agenda, so when there is a sense of an agenda, even a positive one (to comfort or rescue a part), I know that it’s coming from another part. Self-energy is an easeful presence, without “efforting.”
4) Just as parts use the body to communicate, Self-energy can be embodied. I’m paying attention to a client’s posture, body language, movements and facial expressions during sessions to assess the presence of Self and parts. When Self-energy is embodied, there is a relaxing of the body and face, even while crying or being with intense emotions.
5) Lastly, as an experienced clinician, there is a “felt sense” of when Self-energy is present.
You are Beautifully Complex
Although our goal is to lead from the Self, we could not survive without our parts. Our parts give us personality, and humanness, and the ability to live our lives. Who you are encompasses all of your different parts, as well as your core, authentic essence. The real “you” is made up of your entire inner system, with each part contributing something valuable. From an IFS perspective, when we allow Self to be the leader of our system and heal our wounds, there can be more inner harmony and fewer extreme responses. When you are grounded in Self-energy, you can be aware of and compassionate towards all of your parts, speak for them, and make decisions with clarity and courage.
Are you ready to find your Self, and discover who you really are? If you’d like to work with an IFS therapist in Rochester, NH, give me a shout- I’d love to walk with you as you get to know your parts and open space for your Self-energy to shine through.
