When it feels like a Battle Inside: Working with Polarizations as a therapist NH
Two parts battle for control inside a therapist NH.
Have you ever felt like you are at war with yourself? One part drives you relentlessly ahead, determined not to waste a single moment, convinced that slowing down means failing. Another part doesn't even want to look at the to-do list, using distraction to check out, desperate for rest but never really feeling restored. When you finally zone out in front of the TV, the driven part berates you: Things are slipping through the cracks. You should be doing more. You can’t even rest properly. But the driver drives you into the ground, until all you can do is shut down. It’s 100 miles per hour or full stop.
If this internal tug-of-war feels familiar, you are not alone. In fact, as an IFS therapist in NH, it is one of the most common experiences I see. It may not always be a driven part and a numbing part, but the dynamic is the same: two key players in our systems vie for control, each fearing that if the other takes over completely, disaster will ensue.
What is a Polarization?
In IFS, a polarization occurs when two parts fundamentally disagree on the best strategy for keeping you safe and the pain at bay. They get locked in a power struggle. Each one fears that if it were to relax its extreme position, the other part would take over the entire system, with catastrophic consequences.
In our example, the driven part fears that if it stops pushing, the zoning out part will plunge the whole system into lethargy and nothing will ever get done. The zoning out part fears that if it stops resisting, the driven part will run the system into the ground, leading to collapse.
Polarizations inherently create anxiety, as the system is caught between the two extremes. They can also lead to feeling stuck, or paralyzed, as parts pull in opposite directions.
The Boat Metaphor: A System in Conflict
Imagine two people standing in a small boat, clasping hands, each leaning far out over the water on opposite sides. They are holding the entire system in a tense, precarious balance. From the outside, it looks stable, but it is exhausting and fragile. If either one stops leaning in their extreme way, the boat will tip over.
They need the presence of a calm, confident leader in the center of the boat who can gently reassure them both and help them come back to the center at the same time.
How IFS Helps: Introducing the Self
In IFS, that calm leader is your Self. The Self is the core of who you are. It is characterized by qualities like compassion, curiosity, calm, and confidence.
When you’re working with an IFS therapist in NH, we invite both polarized parts to notice you, your Self. When they do this, a shift occurs. They are no longer just seeing their "enemy" across the boat. They are both seeing a compassionate, capable leader.
From this place, you can begin to learn about each part. You listen to the driven part’s story. You hear its fears of failure and its hopes for your success. It shares how you needed to achieve in order to receive love. It protects you from feeling not good enough by making sure you are noticed and praised for your accomplishments. Then, you listen to the zoning out part’s story. You understand its fear of being overwhelmed, and its desire for rest. You hear that when the work piles up, it protects you from feeling not good enough by helping you not feel at all.
Frequently, we discover that polarized parts are both trying to protect the same vulnerable part. They just have wildly different ideas about how to do it. As each one listens to the other’s hopes, fears, and intentions, compassion arises for how each has been trying to help you. The battle begins to lose its fire. They realize they are, in fact, on the same team.
They can both soften. They can begin to trust your Self to lead, and dare to hope that if you can help the part that feels not good enough, neither would have to work so hard.
Find Peace from the Internal Conflict with a Therapist in NH
If you are tired of the battle inside and ready for more inner harmony, this is your sign. IFS therapy offers a powerful and compassionate path to inner peace and healing. As an IFS therapist in Rochester, NH, I help clients every day to befriend their inner parts, unblend from polarizations, and access the healing power of their Self-energy.
If you are ready to help the parts in your boat come back to center and start rowing together in the same direction, I invite you to reach out for a consultation. Let us explore how we can bring peace to your inner world. Contact me, a dedicated therapist in Rochester NH, to begin your journey.
