Why Counting to 10 Doesn’t Work (and What Does); Thoughts from an IFS therapist NH

Therapist NH says it’s not as simple as just counting to 10.

You’ve heard it a million times: when you start to lose your cool, take a deep breath and count to ten. It’s simple advice that makes perfect sense in theory. Yet when the rubber hits the road, this is much easier said than done.

The idea behind these techniques is sound. If you can create a little space between the trigger and your response, you’re more likely to react in a calm, intentional way instead of saying or doing something you later regret. So, why doesn’t it work?

From an IFS perspective, it’s simple: the part of you that knows your coping strategies is not the part that’s online when you’re triggered.

Why Your Toolkit Doesn’t Always Help

Where is my mental health “toolbox” when I need it?

Many people who work with a therapist in NH have been told to build a mental health “toolbox.” This usually includes grounding techniques, deep breathing, mindfulness exercises, and other strategies meant to regulate your nervous system.

These tools can be helpful, but when you’re triggered, it can feel like they vanish into thin air. You might know exactly what you “should” do, but in that moment it’s as if another part of you takes over that has no interest in slowing down or being mindful.

IFS gives us a helpful way to understand this.

When you learn coping tools, it’s often your manager parts that take charge. These parts want to keep life under control. They try to make sure you don’t get too emotional, act out, or do something you’ll regret. They love having a plan, and a good toolkit feels like a plan.

But when something hits a nerve, and emotional pain rises quickly, another part takes over. In IFS we understand this to be a firefighter part. Firefighters rush in to put out emotional fires, often through numbing, distraction, or impulsive behavior. The firefighter doesn’t care about breathing exercises or counting to ten; it just wants to stop the pain now.

Afterward, your manager might come back online and criticize you: Why didn’t you use your coping skills? What’s wrong with you? From the IFS lens, nothing is wrong with you: each part is doing its job.

Understanding Your Parts Instead of Fighting Them

When we start to recognize our internal system of parts, we can begin to understand why certain reactions take over. Working with an IFS therapist in NH can help you explore these patterns with curiosity rather than judgment.

For example, you might notice that the part of you that wants to yell, shut down, or overeat is actually trying to protect you from something deeper, like shame, fear, or helplessness. Another part might get angry about that behavior, trying to control it so you can “do better” next time.

Instead of fighting these parts or trying to push them away, IFS therapy invites you to get to know them. Each part has a positive intent, even if its strategy isn’t serving you.

What Happens in IFS Therapy

Sessions with an IFS therapist in NH are not about learning coping strategies.  Instead, you’ll learn to listen to yourself differently. Together, you and your therapist will begin to:

• Notice when a part is taking over and learn to gently unblend from it.

• Approach each part with curiosity and compassion, rather than criticism.

• Understand what each part is trying to protect you from.

• Create more inner space so you can respond, not react.

As you build relationships with your manager and firefighter parts, the whole system begins to soften. Your firefighters don’t have to work so hard to numb the pain, and your managers can relax their grip on control. This creates space for the calm, compassionate core of who you are to take the lead.

Real Change Comes from Relationship, Not Rules

The next time someone tells you to “just breathe,” it’s okay to notice your frustration. For many people, breathing exercises or grounding tools only help once there’s some space inside to use them.

Working with a therapist who understands IFS helps you cultivate that space by befriending the parts that react so quickly. As you do your inner healing, you’ll find that your system starts to settle and find balance.

Begin Working with a Therapist in NH

An experienced IFS therapist in NH can guide you in creating a gentler relationship with yourself. Instead of trying to force calm, you’ll learn how to invite it naturally by understanding your system in a deeper way.

Ready for a therapist in NH who won’t just tell you to count to ten? Let’s work together to explore what’s happening inside when the toolbox isn’t working. In our sessions, you’ll build relationships with your parts, find compassion for the roles they play, and develop a new kind of inner calm that doesn’t rely on control.

Reach out today for a free 15-minute consultation and begin the process of understanding your internal world with more kindness, space, and balance.